San Francisco Giants Satire: Why Matt Moore Really got Traded

Now, you may remember the brief snafu over Matt Moore taking Tim Lincecum’s number which in the end was a whole lot of nothing. This was probably the most exciting part of this off-season besides Giancarlo Stanton turning down the trade to the San Francisco Giants because he’s smart.

Of course, Moore being traded from the San Francisco Giants to the Rangers really made the whole Lincecum thing pointless. Or did it? Allow me to direct you here, Matt Moore’s Wikipedia page. If you look closely, in fine print on the right side of the page it says Texas Rangers – No. 55.

This is an act of heresy. Moore made a promise and he broke it.

Well, well, well. You thought you could fool us didn’t you Matt? You thought just because you got traded to a different team that we wouldn’t care a lick about what your number is. Think again Matty Moe!

Author’s note: This is in jest. I do not care a lick about what number Matt Moore wears. However, due to the extremely slow nature of this off-season, articles like this unfortunately have to be written to satisfy content demands.

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For word requirement reasons only, allow me to spin a web of conspiracy as to why Matt Moore really got traded.

The short version of this conspiracy is that Tim Lincecum is coming back to the Giants.

The long version of this conspiracy is that Tim Lincecum is throwing 97 mph in some cave in Guatemala and fully intends to return to the Giants. This plot closely mirrors that of The Dark Knight Rises.

Here’s how it went down:

Scene: Tim Lincecum wipes sweat from his brow as he phones Bobby Evans from a Guatemalan pay phone, the transcript of the conversation follows.

Lincecum: Hello, is Sabean there?

Evans: No, he used to be the General Manager. I’m Bobby Evans.

Lincecum: That Teddy Graham looking fella?

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Evans: I’m hanging up.

Lincecum: No, wait! It’s me, Tim. Tim Lincecum. I’m coming back.

Evans: Really? That’s grand! Where are you people are worried?

Lincecum: I’m in Guatemala. I faxed you the lat/long of my cave. No time for details. I’m throwing well, have Bochy come see for himself.

Evans: Um, did you say you’re in a cave-

Lincecum: I don’t have all day Teddy, you’re gonna make me burn another quetzal*. Now I want you to do two things for me to come back to the Giants.

Evans: Sure, Timmy, anything. We gotta sell tickets somehow.

Lincecum: Sign Hector, bring him to Guatemala. Cut Moore, I want my number back.

Evans: Well the Hector thing should be simple, but we just picked up Moore’s option and I don’t think he’s taking your number.

Lincecum: I don’t care. I don’t want to have to fight him over it if he changes his mind.

Evans: Yeah he’s a pretty big dude.

Lincecum: No I mean for his sake. I have to wrestle bears to defend my cave. I’m jacked now. You’ll see. I’ve gotta go, don’t forget Hector. *hangs up*

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I really hope that’s what happened. I miss Timmy. Remember when the Giants were good and we didn’t care that he was bad? Better days…

*Guatemalan currency