SF Giants News

Tips for Wannabe Criminals

By Melissa Felkins

I have a few tips for wannabe criminals, gangsters, cheaters, liars, mobster, murderers, etc….

If you have an article of clothing, let’s say for example, a bloody Dodgers jersey, that connects you to a crime like say, beating someone until they are left for dead, do not, under any circumstance, take that piece of clothing to the dry cleaners, keep it in your closet (a la Monica Lewinski) or anywhere in your house or wear it ever again. BURN IT. I don’t care if it’s a limited edition Babe Ruth Jersey worth millions of dollars. First off, why would you wear that out anyway? You’re a criminal. You might get blood on it. And Secondly, it’s a piece of clothing preventing you from going to prison or being subjected to media scrutiny. Thirdly, it’s an Andre Either jersey for crying out loud. The only thing worse is possibly a Scott Cousins jersey.

This advanced level of knowledge doesn’t come from my exentisive criminal mobster background. If only. No, this comes from years of studying Criminology and the fact that I nearly have a Master’s Degree in it (that’s actually true), makes me somewhat creditable. Oh, and I’ve watched more than one episode of Law & Order. I’m pretty sure that’s in the L&O watching orientation during your first episode.

In case you are wondering what this is all about:  Blood-Stained Jersey Linked to Bryan Stow Case. They took it to the dry cleaners. That should make the Really?! segment of SNL. Everyone in the state of California wants your head on a platter and you think to get your blood-stained jersey dry cleaned to head off to another game? Of course, I could say they were a Dodgers fan and that makes it understandable, but I wouldn’t even insult Dodger fans by linking them to whoever did this. At any rate, I’m just happy to see there is actually some physical evidence and what seems like a huge lead in this case. It’s much better than, “he looks like the guy from the sketches,” considering they haven’t even been able to officially charge that guy in this case yet. Good thing they didn’t read this blog post before they took that jersey to the dry cleaners.